How to say NO courageously
- Genevieve Loh
- Apr 19, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 23, 2023
Let's face it - we think harder and longer before saying no, and sometimes spend too long in the limbo of yes or no. Here's how you can find wisdom and courage in 'no' and unlock the freedom to live authentically and have empowered relationships with people around you.
Here is a provocation - saying no is not only good for us, it's essential. There is something powerful about honouring our values of integrity, honesty and authenticity when the word 'no' escapes our lips. What about the other person, you may think - it turns out that saying no also leads to cultivating empowerment in the relationship and the other person (well, at least, in the long-term).
As Peter Block writes - 'No' is the beginning of the conversation for commitment - to create space for dissent is not to leave it hanging there, but to move on to the other conversations of possibility, ownership, and gifts. When people say no, it does not create their dissent, it only expresses it. When someone authentically says no, the room becomes real and trustworthy.
'No' is the beginning of the conversation for commitment. When someone authentically says no, the room becomes real and trustworthy. - Peter Block
It's important to dive deeper into our relationship with the word, 'no', and what's behind our natural inclination to say yes instead of no.
Why is it 'easier' to say YES?
Early in my career, I often said yes to senior stakeholders - I desired to be seen as trustworthy and respected. It was years later when a business leader, someone whom I considered my most difficult stakeholder, told me, "I know I can count on you, but sometimes, I wished you were confident enough to challenge me". I was baffled - what did I miss? Upon deeper reflection, I found the limiting belief - I was the colloquial 'yes-man' so as to fulfil my need to be liked and respected. I was so eager to build my reputation that I was blind to see the opportunities to be a thought partner and build meaningful relationships.
Human beings just aren't wired to say no. We tend to avoid conflict and there is a deeper need to belong and not disappoint others, particularly those whom we respect and care about. We fear being perceived as unhelpful or selfish. Our natural tendency is to avoid rejection, whether as the giver or the receiver. Hence, we choose what we feel is the 'easier' path, by either saying yes or even worse, procrastinating, ultimately prolonging our anxiety, and damaging our credibility and relationships with others. We could also be facing #FOMO - afraid of missing out on opportunities or being part of something when we deny others.
It's no wonder that in this day and age, people are facing burnout from over-commitment or stress from an obsession with helping others. From my experience as a coach, people reach out for help with balance in their lives. The coaching conversations often evolve into gaining clarity on what is truly important to them and making conscious choices, i.e. what they are saying yes to, and what they will say no to.
Empower yourself to say NO
Saying no requires a combination of the right mindset and skill; and it takes practice. Many times, we get caught up with the WHAT of saying no - 'What will happen if I say no?', 'What will people think of me?' or 'What if I miss out?'. Perhaps the better questions to ask are: 'How can I can say no gracefully?' or 'How can I can help without saying yes?'.
Reframing the 'No'. We face many trade-offs in life - pursuing career growth vs spending time with our family, a challenging job scope vs our well-being, just to name a few. Before you say yes, a powerful question to ask yourself is: 'If you say yes to this, what would you be saying no to?' Remember the #FOMO that prevents you from saying no? What if saying yes actually leads to you missing out on some of the best things in life - and I'm referring to the things that you really want, not what you should want.
Separate the 'No' from the relationship. As Greg McKeown mentions in his book on Essentialism, we tend to conflate the decision with the relationship. Denying the request is not the same as denying the person. Our assumption is that saying no deteriorates the relationship. Instead, consider how saying no could serve the relationship? If not in the short-term, how would it lead towards your future vision for the relationship?
Be curious about the 'real' issue. Many times, the request is often the requestor's perceived solution. By being curious and asking questions such as 'What are you trying to optimise here?' or 'What is the real challenge here?', it opens up a space for the other person to rethink the issue at hand and be empowered to pursue alternative solutions. You could also offer them some suggestions to set them in right direction or connect them with someone you know who can help them.
Check in with your personal values. One of the best ways to check in with your values is to access your emotions, even the negative ones. When you feel negative about saying yes or no, what are you protecting? For example, someone who is feeling frustrated about saying yes could have a personal value of ownership, resenting why people go to them for help instead of owning their own solutions. When considering to say yes or no, reflect on how the decision would be honouring your values (or stepping on them). A mentor told me once: "When you say no, you'd likely regret for a few hours at most but when you say yes, you'd may regret for days, weeks, months or even years to come; so choose wisely.'
With reference to a quote from my favourite Cinderella movie, 'Have courage, be kind' - may you have many courageous conversations and always be kind to others and yourself.